College Times

Media Credit: MCT

Have something you’d like to accomplish? By all means, do it! The personal satisfaction to be gained out of setting a goal and following through with it is invaluable, and I’ll be the first to wish you the best in making it there.

But, lurking deep beneath the easy-going, forgiving surface, I contain a dark side – an evil, cynical monster waiting for you to make the inevitable wrong move and immediately judge you on it.

That’s why this time of the year is so secretly appealing to me. To some it’s the dead period between New Year’s and Valentine’s Day, void of celebration and generally dull. The ‘winter doldrums,’ as they’re sometimes called.

But to the judgmental beast that I secretly hide, it’s the most wonderful time of the year – New Year’s resolution expiration period.

Yes, that time when you step off the treadmill and pick up that hoagie, smoke enough cigarettes to make up for the lost cancer-time you missed, and start taking your life for granted again.

Not that most people wouldn’t be better off with such goals as getting in shape and quitting smoking – those are healthy choices that we all should make.

However, some people have more glaring flaws that my evil side can’t help but notice.

“I’m going to quit smoking this year!” John Doe says as he reaches into the church’s collection basket and swipes a few bucks for gas.

“I’m going to the gym every day!” Jane Doe says as her latchkey kids sit at home playing video games, their small hands developing early signs of arthritis and their pale skin screaming for sunlight.

It’s not that people’s goals aren’t potentially beneficial; they’re just not feasible when other, more major problems are standing in the way.

No one can ever say my own internal contemptuous beast isn’t out to help, though.

Here are some alternative New Year’s resolutions that certain people would have had a chance of accomplishing had they adopted them, helping to better themselves and the world itself.

Joe Biden – Watch your mouth when you undoubtedly decide to run for president, again, in 2012.

You too, Golf Channel Analyst Kelly Tilghman.

Dudes with cut-off shirt sleeves – wear shirt-sleeves. (Except you, Hulk Hogan. Keep on truckin’.)

Former Idaho Senator Larry Craig – Narrow your stance, buddy. And seek counseling.

The person who defecated in my building’s elevator – Quite simply, make a resolution to not poop in public places. And while you’re at it, maybe look into adding some fiber to your diet.

ASU President Michael Crow – Try to smile, just once.

Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers – Pay the damn writers already! I can’t go on without The Office.

The guy who cut me off one the way to work today – Perhaps your New Year’s resolution should be to take a driving course. Your local MVD offers some great instructional classes, seeing that it appears as if you must’ve learned to drive on a farm field, or have a lazy eye that doesn’t allow you to stay in one lane when you’re supposed to. In that case, make a resolution to see an optometrist. Or, at the very least, learn to humbly accept any and all hand gestures when you’ve earned them.

The beast has spoken.

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