College Times

Media Credit: MCT

It's official. I won't be marrying Jenna Bush.

I was so certain it was going to happen. I mean, I know I'm happily married and have two beautiful children already, but when that phone call came - that Jenna wants to run off to some frat house at the University of Texas and say our vows while we threw the Hook 'em Horns sign - I would be ready.

But now the dream is over. People Magazine confirmed today that in May Jenna Bush will marry Henry Hager, a former White House aide and the son of the chairman of the Virginia Republican Party.

I can't compete with that. I should've known looking at my bloodline. Sure my dad was the mayor - of a town with a population smaller than that of Apache Junction - and, yes, he was a businessman. But he owned a hardware store, drank 50 cent coffee out of cheap Styrofoam cups and played Dr. Mario in his work office for hours on end.

Henry Hager's dad probably could've had Dr. Mario killed if he wanted to, with all those political connections.

Really, I never stood a chance. But I'll never forget when I was fresh into my career as a reporter in the early 2000s, when I saw those pictures of Jenna partying away - cigarette in one hand, attractive female friend in the other, tumbling to the ground in what appeared to be a fit of liquor-induced joy.

She's one of us, I thought - regular people just looking for a little weekend fun.

Sure, I was married then, too - just as happily as I am today.

But if the president's daughter came calling, I told myself, it was my civic duty to go. I'd be vigilant. I'd do it for the country. I'd do it because the Bushes wanted me to.

My head swelled with dreams of being the "first son": Morning jogs with "W" and the Secret Service; midday games of Scrabble and Gin Rummy with that deck of cards with the 52 most-wanted terrorists on it; nighttime discussions about ranching and international peace accords.

I even had a dream once that I went on a date with Jenna. People made fun of me. They told me it was just that - a dream - and that I should forego my fantasy of marrying into royalty.

But, secretly, I never gave up. Not until today.

So now there's nothing left to do but wish Jenna and Henry well. They're to have a small wedding, Laura Bush told People. I'm certain I won't be invited. I mean, hell, I've never even met Jenna, or any of the Bush family for that matter.

Henry will now be the one playing Gin Rummy and Scrabble and I'll be stuck here at my computer for another day, editing stories about beer pong innovations and 50 cent beer nights at Dos Gringos. We reap what we sow, I suppose.

There's nothing left to do now but wish the happy couple well and move on … unless … hmmm, I wonder what Chelsea's up to these days?

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