College Times

Issue date: 1/31/08 Section: Daily Buzz

Media Credit: Janet Blackmon Morgan

During Monday's Myrtle Beach, SC Democratic debate televised live on CNN, senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton seemingly made a joint decision to dump the questions queued up by Wolf Blitzer and the other moderators, and go straight into personal attack mode.

Stemming from a question regarding national economic troubles, Clinton accused Obama of having worked for a "slum lord", to which Obama called Clinton a "corporate lawyer sitting on the board of Wal-Mart."

Mere moments later, while Obama defended a past remark about Ronald Reagan that had ruffled some feathers in Democratic Party circles, Clinton interrupted, stating that she had never criticized such comments.

"Your husband did," Obama responded, to which Clinton fired back, "I'm here, he's not."

After what seemed like nearly 10 minutes of two-way mudslinging, the third member of the debate, John Edwards, finally spoke up, asking, "Are there three people in this debate, not two?"

This two-way, cut-throat attack on past records was further amped up by the rowdy crowd at the Congressional Black Caucus Institute, which rained boos and cheers down on the candidates after every quippy remark.

More than once, I had the urge to make sure I was watching the right channel - the whole exchange seemed less presidential debate, more "I Love New York" reunion show.

While Clinton trashed Obama's voting record in the Senate and Obama accused Clinton of doing anything to get elected, and both sent steely glances and sarcastic snickers zapping across the stage, behaving like bitter, vindictive children - I realized: this is the most entertaining television I've seen since "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" went kaput.

I also couldn't help but wonder: who would win in a fight, Hillary or Barack?

Here's the tale of the tape:

Physical stature

Off the bat, the 6-foot-2-inch Obama has a definite size-advantage over the 5-foot-6-inch Clinton.

But his slender frame, combined with Hillary's dangerously sharp teeth, balls of steel and regiment of nervously running from the car to the front door of Bill's Harlem office makes this one too close to call on physical traits alone. Push.

"Hood rep"

Although Hillary enjoyed a typically-middle-class upbringing, even participating in the Girl Scouts, she did gain valuable experience with political and social activism in South Chicago, a notoriously dangerous region.

However, Obama admitted to smoking pot, using cocaine and drinking booze as a teenager in his 1995 memoir "Dreams of My Father," and while this may hamper his support from the conservative right, it certainly bolsters his "gangsta" rep. His street cred does drop a notch, though, because of his middle-class, tropical upbringing in Hawaii and Indonesia. Advantage, Obama.

Intimidation

This one's not even close.

Obama is tall, lanky and handsome.

Hillary can be, quite honestly, fuckin' terrifying. Advantage, Hillary.

Rumble-Mob Support

If there's anything I learned in Jr. High, it's that a fighter definitely wants verbal support from the ring of oily-faced, pubescent screamers that always seem to gather around any fight.

The votes may be too close to predict, but Barack sure does have a loud contingent of obnoxious hoot-and-hollerers at seemingly every debate thus far. If Obama and Clinton ever did come to blows, I'm sure they'd swarm around and give him the extra adrenaline he needs to take on the feisty Rodham-firecracker. Advantage, Obama

Crew

Obama's wife is a relatively-unknown, albeit successful lawyer, and the couple has two daughters, age 9 and 6. I heard they punch like girls.

Clinton is married to the coolest, most suave man ever to run the United States of America. Seeing as Bill was able to get out of just about every jam he ever got himself into while he served in the Oval Office, I'm sure some of that must have rubbed off on Hillary during that glorious eight-year span. If nothing else, the Secret Service has Bill's back, and I've heard he throws a right hook that's wicked pissah. Advantage, Hillary.

Much like the Democratic primaries, this fight is too close to call.

And while I'm sure that John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich and the rest of the 'also-rans' would love to see Hillary and Barack pummel each other into the ground, they're most-assuredly going to take the same old boring route to the White House and "let the voters decide."

Well, we've all seen how that turned out the last two elections, and I, for one, am calling for change.

I think it's time for red and blue to finally unite - in the form of blood and bruises, of course.

Page 1 of 1

Article Tools