College Times

Issue date: 2/14/08 Section: Daily Buzz

I hate extended version DVDs.

I'm not talking about director's cuts; I'm talking about the DVDs that producers of the comedy genre are mostly responsible for. Many come in packages with thinly veiled dick jokes emblazoned across the title (Bigger! Longer! More Bang for your Buck!)

Many simply say "Uncut and Unedited" or "Unrated" or "The Version You Couldn't See in Theaters!"

Let me let you in on a secret: the reason you "Couldn't See Them in Theaters" is because nobody would have gone if that was the version they showed in theaters.

Let me repeat: uncut versions of movies on DVDs suck. I hate them. Period.

There's a reason films have editors - some actors are notorious for improvising for extended periods of time while the digital camera rolls. Most of what they do isn't funny.

But some is - and that's what editors typically put into the comedy you see on the silver screen, leaving the rest on the cutting room floor, where it belongs.

Perhaps the worst abuser of the "Uncut" shtick is any movie starring Will Ferrell. Look, I like Will Ferrell, and I love most of his movies, but what I do not want to see is an additional 10 minutes of Ferrell trying to make cast and crew members laugh as he improvises to find that one funny one-liner.

Take the table scene near the beginning of the uncut version of "Talladega Nights;" do we really need 10 minutes of inane babble and the same stupid jokes about Southerners your wildly uncreative classmates or coworkers use when they try to be funny?

Jim Carrey movies also fall into this category - man, that guy can ramble on and on in front of a camera.

I've rented a few uncut Carry flicks and the same thing happens when I watch uncut Ferrell movies, I end up shutting them off before they're over and driving them back to the video rental store.

Which brings me to my next pet peeve: why the hell do the video stores only carry the "uncut" versions of DVDs? And why the hell don't the uncut versions have the theatrical versions on them, too? You know, for people who have something better to do with their time than sit through a 3½ hour version of "Blades of Glory."

A few weeks ago, I went to my local video store to rent "Superbad," and guess what? They only had the uncut edition. I lost it. The thought of having to watch that chunky kid rant uncontrollably seemed worse than nails on a chalkboard, so I asked the clerk: "Don't you guys have the theatrical version of this?"

He said: "Huh? I don't know what you mean."

I said: "The theatrical version - the version they show you in theaters, the one that's edited and actually funny and clocks in at less than four hours."

Him: (blank stare)

Me: "They edit films, to get out all the stuff that isn't funny or wastes time or doesn't help the story."

Him: "Ohhhh, yeah. Now I know what you mean, but nope, we don't have those."

Certainly, this bothers other people doesn't it?

My schedule doesn't allow me to get to the movies much, and I don't want to buy a DVD - it's not like I'll watch a movie 17 times.

I just want to see the real version, once, in my home.

Is that too much to ask? Mega video rental joints are you listening?

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