College Times

Issue date: 2/28/08 Section: Daily Buzz

Media Credit: Ray Chavez

Shaquille O'Neal's debut with the Phoenix Suns, a loss to the Los Angeles Lakers, looked like this: 15 points, nine blocks, two blocked shots and five fouls.

But the real numbers of interest, the stats that blow the mind, are as follows: 7-foot-1, 325 pounds.

What in the world would it be like to live life in a body that colossally enormous?

I imagine getting out of bed would be very difficult. According to that creepy kid from "Jerry Maguire" - you know, the one you had a sneaking suspicion was actually a 30-year-old little person passing as a child - the average human head weighs eight pounds. Shaq's head probably weighs around 18 pounds: lifting my noggin off the pillow when the rooster calls would be quite the task.

And what an impressive breakfast I'd have to consume. I'd probably just pour a whole gallon of milk over an entire box of Cocoa Puffs in the kitchen sink and eat it with a gardening trowel.

How the hell would I get to work? I don't think my 1991 Nissan Sentra would even hold my size 23 sneakers, let alone my massive ass.

Which makes me think of another perplexing question: where would I get my shoes? And what kind would I wear? How ridiculous would size 23 Converse Chuck Taylors look laced up on my gunboat feet? My guess: very.

But seriously, how would I get to work to write generally pointless, marginally funny blogs for bored internet users to read?

The bus? I don't think the seats are wide enough. Taxi? I don't think Hummer is in the cab business just yet. Maybe I'd ride a bike. But it would definitely have to be a giant one; maybe one of those old-fashioned bicycles with the really big wheel in the front? What a sight that would be.

How would I even type these carefully-planned, oh-so-eloquent words on this standard-sized keyboard with my disturbingly enormous hot dog fingers? I could probably intimidate one of my average-sized co-workers into serving as my typist with my menacing stature, but I'd much rather be known as "jolly giant" instead of "huge asshole."

As many difficult obstacles I'd face if I were a hulk of a human being, there would probably be even more perks.

Imagine the cache of lost Frisbees and balls I could claim off roofs. I could paint ceiling murals without ladders or stilts. I could change streetlight bulbs for the city, or work on power lines for the utility company.

I could save cats and pick fruit from the highest treetops, and jump locked gates for people who forget their key.

I could even do as Shaq does and use my size to fight crime. Watch "Steel" and you'll understand.

And, as a last resort - if I can't coerce another College Times employee to type, can't pass the utility company's background check and can't fit into a police uniform - there's always porn.

Hey, they don't call Shaq "Diesel" for nothing.

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