College Times

Media Credit: Eric Jelinek

I've been called many things. And since I grew up, literally, in a hardware store in north New Jersey, most of them are not printable - even in a publication of such ill-repute like our own.

That said, I've never been called a wonk (a person preoccupied with arcane details). Nor, after a fairly distinguished career in journalism that includes more first place awards in deadline and political reporting than most of the Valley news corps, been considered less important than a student reporter from the State Press and a dude that makes a living (repeatedly) playing UB40 and Carly Simon tracks.

Until today.

This morning, I opened my copy of the Tempe Republic to learn that Tempe Mayor Hugh Hallman has "challenged local media to beat him in a mini-triathlon where the winner gets $1,000 from Ford Ironman Arizona to donate to the charity of their choice."

Competition includes "radio personality Marty Manning" (bad-ass spinner of the Michael McDonald and Olivia Newton-John tracks), "Arizona State Press reporter Emma Breysse and other Valley media wonks." Those other Valley media wonks include myself, College Times Art Director Eric Jelinek (last year's event champ), College Times General Manager Scott Stowers, KPHO-CBS 5 reporter Tammy Leitner (a former star of the television show "Survivor", ABC 15 reporter Christina Boomer and East Valley Tribune photographer Tim Hacker.

Clearly, there's a few things going on.

a) The Tempe Republic is on the take. I'm not sure how many free Anne Murray CDs Manning gave to reporter Dianna M. Nanez, Tempe Republic editor Alia Rau and General Manager Paul Maryniak, but it clearly wasn't many considering Anne Murray CDs are known to cause nausea and vomiting in that section of the general public that does not include KEZ listeners.

b) Breysse must have a lot of Maroon & Gold Dollars left on her sun card. If I see Paul, Alia and Dianna hanging out at Cereality and doing their grocery shopping at MU market in the next couple weeks, my theory will have been proven.

c) The Tempe Republic is undoubtedly out of touch. I won like 700 reporting awards. Breysse keeps writing about Tempe kids getting busted for pot http://www.asuwebdevil.com/issues/2008/04/04/news/704562) Groundbreaking, stuff … kids in Tempe … getting busted for pot?!?! Who knew? I'm cool. Breysse is not. Who said so? Me. And that's all the matters.

d) And what about Leitner? She ate bugs on national TV, I think, or if she didn't, she should have. What does Manning do? Have "coolest Hawaiian shirt contests" with that guy Bill from Beth & Bill?

And speaking of no contest, listen up folks from the Republic, State Press and you other Valley media wonks, this group of wonks - that's me, Jelinek and Stowers - are going to mow you down.

You, too, Mayor Hallman - though I know saying that publicly probably puts my request for a variance to build a downtown Tempe brothel in jeopardy. Tomorrow we will finish one, two and three - we'll do it for pride, we'll do it for our beloved charity Tempe Community Action Agency.

That's right; these wonks have been snubbed. And we're going to give the rest of you a beat down you'll never forget.

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