College Times

Issue date: 5/8/08 Section: Blogs

Media Credit: Mark Hoffe-Fort Worth Star Telegram

Thirteen suspected sorcerers were recently arrested by police in the Congo for stealing or shrinking men's penises.

Fourteen of the alleged victims, also kept in custody by police, said their genitals shrank or disappeared after the sorcerers simply stroked their stick.

As an avid reader of the Harry Potter series I was immediately alarmed after reading this on Reuters.com. Could the recently outed Headmaster of Hogwarts, Dumbledore, be one of the 13 magic men robbing these muggles of their rock-hard rods? I've always imagined him as a gentle giant; the lonely kind that browses Match.com while sipping butterbeer after an exhausting day of fighting He Who Must Not Be Named. I can't see him using his staff to cast spells to make other men's staffs shrink, or worse … disappear. Then again, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley do seem to be a bit on edge when they're around the weary wizard.

According to Reuters.com, "Rumors of the penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings."

Doubting Dumbledore, what a preposterous thing to do! He obviously isn't a suspect considering J.K. Rowling has made it clear in her books that he is very much so single therefore he would not be wearing a gold wedding band. But wait … perhaps Dumbledore recently eloped with the wondrous wizard of his dreams while J.K. Rowling and the rest of the world were preoccupied with counting down the days until Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince's release in movie theaters. Perhaps he and his newly-wed wizard exchanged gaudy gold rings and chose to honeymoon in the Congo in order to keep out of the public eye. Perhaps after one too many butterbeers he and his hubby, giggling like sorcery school children, decided to play a few pranks on the locals.

Oh Dumbledore, I am feeling oh so dubious right now! Did you or did you not pocket you some penises?

Reuters.com reports that residents believe the sorcerers' acts were an attempt to extort cash. This doesn't seem to be likely motivation for Dumbledore considering he may as well be the wealthiest wizard in the world due to the piece of real estate he's sitting on at Hogwarts.

Another belief, shared by Kinshasa's police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, is that the penis theft may be in fact one big joke, which then may mean the chain of events I dreamt up in my head involving him, his boy toy and butterbeer, may in fact be true.

Honestly though, I don't think I'll ever know if Dumbledore was involved in the scandalous snatchings that went on in the Congo. Police haven't released names yet, but even if they did, I doubt Dumbledore's will be among them.

Who's to say he didn't vanish into thin air when he saw the police coming? He is a wizard you know.