College Times

Issue date: 5/8/08 Section: News

Media Credit: Photos.com

There's a war going on right now.

We've seen the casualties hit close to home as humiliating photographs of victims like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan surface on the internet with captions reading "slut" and "tease" - simply because they chose not to wear underwear.

It's time we put an end to this victimization and fight for the emancipation of our private parts. We decide which will prevail: underwear or no underwear.

I imagine the battle setting up something like this.

On one side, there'd be the Soldiers of the Underwear Army (UA) - a group made up of thousands of ghastly grannies in their panties.

Then there'd be my team - the No Underwear Army (NUA). We've yet to select a Commando-er-In-Chief, but we'd have the strength in the numbers of soldiers that fight for us, including the C-List celebrities mentioned above, porn stars, me and that kid who sits in front of you whose crack is always showing.

The UA clearly would have support on their side, though. On September 29 of last year, the uptight British attacked full force with their "Commando Free Zone" campaign. An online British underwear company shoved a free pair of underwear in every shopper's bag who purchased a bra on their website, www.upliftedlingerie.co.uk, during the month of October while aggressively advertising their secret weapons of mass destruction as, "suitable for any celebrity wanting to demonstrate a little more decorum when hitting the town," according to www.popsofa.com.

If you want Britain to stop invading the privacy of our private parts by throwing giveaway undergarments at us, if you want to bring down the grannies who torture us daily with visible panty lines and, most importantly, if you are the patriotic American I think you are, that loves this land of the free and home of the brave, than you will join me in the No Underwear Army.

Rip off those tighty-whiteys that are obviously cutting off the circulation to your head and fight for your right to feel the breeze without being called a slut or a tease.

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