College Times

Media Credit: Nicolas Khayat

After listening to loads of different popular rap songs, it dawned on me that guys in rap songs sound surprisingly suave. Imagine what would happen if they tried using some of their smooth lyrics on an actual woman, though?

 I’m thinking massive crash and burn. Here is a list of some of my favorite lines that would be doomed from the start.

10. “Back That Ass Up” by Juvenile 

“You'se a big fine woman, when you back that thing up.”  

Ladies, when have you ever wanted a guy to call you a big woman? I guess when you have enough money like Juvenile anything would work – maybe.

9. “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot

“My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun.”

First off…“anaconda?” Who wants to hear a guy refer to his penis as an anaconda? I don’t know about the rest of the ladies out there, but it definitely scares me. Secondly, what does Sir Mix-A-Lot lot view as buns? Last I checked, everybody has a set of them.

8. “Getting it in” Jadakiss featuring Kanye West

“My apologies are you into astrology ‘cause, um, I’m trying to make it to Uranus.”

I think this one speaks for itself. Guys, please out of love for yourselves, don’t use this.

7. “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent

“I'll break it down for you now, baby, its simple if you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho.”

Great, so what you’re saying is you are a nympho? That’s weird; why not just say you like sex? Nympho sounds like ALL you ever do is have sex. Even if a girl says she is into that, I find it hard to believe any girl wants it every second of every day.

6. “The Thong Song” by Sisqo

“Baby, move your butt butt butt Uh I think to sing it again..."

Please don’t sing it again. I may be alone here, but I don’t think I want a guy stuttering over my butt. Just a thought.

5. “The New Workout Plan” by Kanye West 

“Oh girl, your silhouette make me wanna light a cigarette.”

What does this mean exactly? I look so bad you need to have a cigarette? Let’s try to at least make it a line that is obviously flattering with no confusion.

4. ”Whisper” by Yin Yang Twins

“You got a sexy ass body and your ass look soft. Mind if I touch it and see if it’s soft? Naw, I'm jus playin' 'less you say I can.”                                                                                 

Okay, so this one did make me laugh, and in certain situations, I could see it working but it’s still a pretty big stretch.

3. “Fresh Pair of Panties On” by Snoop Dog     

“It's time to slow it down, steadily grindin and this is, the big Doggy Dogg/And I ain't talkin about no Air Force Ones/ I just gotta know, before you let me get some…Do you have a fresh pair of panties on?”

Um what???? Here’s some advice, don’t insult the woman you are trying to get with. What do you think we are? Some clan of dirty panty wearing people? We are ladies, and we respect our hygiene thank you.

2. “I Know What Girls Like” by Jay-Z

“I said I never seen a face like yours before and I been around some cute whores before.”                                                                  I’m not so sure you do know what girls like Jay-Z. If this were a pick up line, then I would stop it right after the word “before.” That’s almost a good one but anything with the word “whore” in it I find a bit offensive, and I have a feeling I’m not alone.

1. “The Humpty Dance” by Digital Underground

“Hey yo fat girl, c'mere – are ya ticklish? Yeah, I called ya fat. Look at me, I'm skinny. It never stopped me from gettin' busy. I'm a freak.”

I can’t think of a single time this might work. If a guy said that to me, he would be smart to cover anything near and dear to him, because I think a swift kick would be coming his way.

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