College Times

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US Airways officials announced that, in addition to riding loud, stinky, poor and annoyed, coach passengers will have to ride hungry, as the company plans to eliminate free snack service on all domestic flights starting June 1.

Company officials cited rocketing sky-fuel prices. Are you kiddin’ me? There are a bunch of other, much easier ways to cut costs for US Airways, and all airlines, really. I’d probably guesstimate that there are about ten better ways. How convenient…

10. No more seatbelts. Why do we really need these things, anyway? I somehow feel less than confident about my chances of surviving after plummeting 20,000 feet, strapped in or not.

9. No terrible movies. However much money United Airlines spent so that I was able to watch The Pacifier both to and from Chicago was too much.

8. Lower flight attendant wages. I don’t mean to be rude, but it sure seems like the female flight attendants spend a lot of money on makeup, and the men spend a lot on cashmere sweater-vests and the like. I can’t even afford one scotch and soda from the drink cart! Something’s gotta give.

7. Two pilots?! Seems like overkill to me.

6. No babies. My own eardrums and olfactory system aside, babies probably account for quite a few expensive-to-clean stains on the seats and aisles. “Ma’am, you’ll have to check that child before you board.”

5. No annoying commercials. See number 9, and replace “The Pacifier” with “those ‘wanna get away?’ commercials.”

4. Stop printing safety pamphlets. Waste of paper, lamination and money. See number 10, and replace “strapped in or not” with “reading useless pamphlet or not”.

3. Tarmac water slide. Hell, I’d pay admission to slide down one of those giant escape slides.

2. Ditch sky radio. As much as hearing Dave Koz’s countdown of the top adult contemporary light jazz hits of the week is helpful to my bowel movements, it’s more detrimental to my wallet.

1. Actual Sky Mall. Don’t tell the higher-ups at College Times, but if the airplane catalogue Sky Mall offered me a job as a copywriter, I’d probably have to take it. Perusing their unmatched selection of wondrous products is fun enough – imagine if you had the option of purchasing amazing products like this, this and this on the spot. Airline industry saved!

Got your own Top Ten? Email stories@ecollegetimes.com and we’ll post them online for you!

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