College Times

Issue date: 7/3/08 Section: Sex

Media Credit: Photos.com

Haven't you always wondered what your breasts say about you? For a long time, I was convinced the only thing mine said to men was, "Stare at me to the point at which I become extremely uncomfortable and contemplate slapping you," but according to an Italian sex researcher named Piero Lorenzoni, they say so much more.

Based on Lorenzoni's observations, a woman's breast size, which he compares to specific fruits, can indicate her personality type. His monumental discovery, he says, can better help a man to "denote a woman's personality" and thus allow him to make a profitable choice when deciding which woman to hit on at a bar; well, that's my assumption at least.

I've taken it upon myself to break down his observations into simple terms and focus on answering the questions that the typical intoxicated male at a bar is most concerned about, "Will she sleep with me tonight and if she does, will she be as good between the bedsheets as she looks right now with my beer goggles on?"

A while back the UK's Register analyzed Lorenzoni's work. But I think they missed the mark by making it overcomplicated. Here's my take:

Melons = Doesn't like sex.

Grapefruits = Bad in bed and prefers cuddling over sex.

Oranges = Also bad in bed.

Cherries = Moderately interested in sex.

With this information, we can conclude that the best bet a man can make is opting for extremely small assets similar to that of cherries or taking a chance and putting all his money on pineapples, lemons and pears … or we can conclude that Lorenzoni has been turned down so many times for sex that he has developed a personal vendetta against all women.

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