College Times

Issue date: 7/24/08 Section: Sex

Media Credit: Alan Berner - Seattle TImes

The other day I was in my car driving to work. I was cruising with the windows down, not because I enjoy feeling like I have a blow-dryer pointed at my face, but because my car was overheating. Yeah, I know perhaps it's time to get a new one. Anyway, Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" came on the radio and I immediately cranked the station. I don't have a CD player either, so when a good song comes on, I relish in the fact that I, at least, have good speakers. Using my gas to get to the place where I make money while listening to a song about lovin' got me thinking …

With the economy as rough as it currently is, it seems like everyone is suffering. Gas prices have been on a steep incline in recent months and the prices of food have been hiked up as well. But, who are the last people you'd expect to increase their rates as a result of this economic downturn? That's right, smarty pants - prostitutes. They already make a ridiculous amount of money in the first place, so what gives?

George Flint, director of the Nevada Brothel Owners' Association, told Newsweek that revenue for the 25 businesses in his membership organization is down by as much as 45 percent just in the last 18 months.

Why, oh why, might you ask?

He said sex in exchange for money may be "recession resistant" but it's not "recession proof."

Basically, those men who used to go to the brothel to get a quick fix before going home, are using that money to fill their cars with fuel or buy the gallon of milk they need for the next morning. At least, that's the current argument.

In the past eight years, brothels brought in about $50 million dollars, racking up $400 million in revenue. Who knows what 2008's calendar year will look like for them. So is it really the rising gas prices and the weak economy that's making men come to them less than before?

I don't think so. I just think that brothels are increasing their prices to balance the almost-recession we're currently facing. Smart thinking, ladies. I tip my figurative hat to you for being smart businesswomen.

It's a sad day when men can't enjoy the oldest profession in the world. It's also probably the most American thing a guy can do. So, thank you to the shitty economy for making the men of this country all a little less patriotic than they'd like to be. (Please note the heavy sarcasm here: I actually think the polar opposite of the statements made.)

With all this said, I have a plan to open an all-male brothel, called Peckers. This will create a little bit of competition. Then, once these all-male brothels are established, price gouging will ensue and everything will be driven down. This, in turn makes for a better situation for us all, and a happier environment.

Any ladies want to help me open up a Peckers in Vegas? Drop me a line and we'll draw up a business plan.

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