College Times

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If you follow the news regularly, you’re bound to run across a handful of respectable animal attacks. I say respectable because, aside from a lifetime of mental and physical trauma, there’s a certain badassery and bragging rights that comes from fighting off a bear, or at least surviving an encounter with a gator, lion or rhinoceros. They at least have some consolation in knowing they’ve survived nature’s worst.

Then we’ve got the other guys. So here’s a list of 10 animals you would never admit to being attacked by.

Gecko
Youtube is the great equalizer, tearing down the mightiest celebrities and showcasing the talents/disasters of everyday folk in one fell swoop. That’s why this video hurts just a little bit more, when a Texas news anchor freaks out like a little girl in a segment on wild reptiles. The cause? A leaping lizard that just wanted some loving.

Squirrel
First off, we are in full support of the Squirrel Attack Prevention Program, especially after reading stories like this, where a roving gang of tree dwellers decided to wage war on a group of school kids.  However, even the angriest of squirrels, like the one in this video, could easily be handled with a swift kick to the nuts.

Kangaroo
Australia has always been unique for its wide array of marsupials that cannot be found anywhere else. That uniqueness, in turn, draws a ton of tourists who will routinely learn the rules of nature. Namely, kangaroos kick ass. We’re not questioning the deadliness of a boxing kangaroo, or the ones that break into houses and terrorize old women. But even if their cred was ruined by Kangaroo Jack, the kangaroo below wins some back by completely owning this guy. He never saw it coming.

Birds
Maybe Hitchcock had it right. One bird is no problem. Two Birds, more of a nuisance. But a thousand angry sea gulls? Could be dangerous, especially after reading this story. The only embarrassing aspect is the truth that everyone, from frightened toddler to Navy SEAL, could only fight the flock of seagulls by running wildly into the distance, arms flailing and covered in bird poop.

Deer
The only thing that would be more ironic is if the deer below actually shot the hunter. As it stands, it’s even more awesome that the deer decided to not skewer the hunter with his razor sharp antlers, but instead sufficed to bitch slap the hunter over and over and over again. We’re assuming that because no one comes to the hunter’s aide, the cameraman was secretly an animal activist.

Beaver
The construction workers of the animal kingdom, the beaver’s biggest feature is their huge flat tails, which they also use to make tortillas. However, considering that Canada made the mighty beaver their country’s symbol, we have to assume there’s a good-sized population of beavers in the land to the North. And apparently, when you tread on the beaver’s territory, be prepared for a Stone Cold-sized can of whup ass. Though if you’re afraid of a beaver, then you are kind of asking for it.

Sheep
Similar to Canada’s problem with beavers, if New Zealand’s sheep ever got organized – well, there wouldn’t be a New Zealand any more. However, because sheep aren’t really carnivorous, or possess any sort of fighting apparatus, they’re most likely going to headbutt their way into controlling the country. And with enemies like this human, they certainly have an advantage.

Gremlin
Okay, we know that Gremlins aren’t real. But after watching this classic film, we noticed that aside from Stripe, the badass leader of the Gremlin brigade, the actual beasts aren’t that scary. Anything that has a weakness for “Snow White,” immediately loses scariness. Though, if you happened to be the guy who was taken out by the cross-dressing Gremlin, we feel sorry for you in more ways than one. We do have to give props to the mom for taking out a half dozen gremlins at the start of the movie.

Rabbit
From Australia, check out this story about a 2-year-old who pointed at a rabbit only to have the tip of her finger bit off. We’ll cut the kid some slack, being 2 years old and all. However, a word to the wise: Cute carrot munchers have teeth, and with those teeth, they can do some damage.  If you forced rabbits to dance badly for your personal enjoyment and public declaration of creepiness, we don’t blame the rabbit if he nibbles off your head.

Dolphin
According to the WSPA, dolphins are probably the safest animals around – even if you consider the rumors about the flipper crowd attempting to rape women and killing baby porpoises. (Look it up.) However, the WSPA states, quite seriously, that most dolphin attacks occur when humans get too close or step outside their boundaries with dolphins in captivity. This last video highlights such activity, but really it’s just another way of saying she got what she deserved.

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