College Times

Media Credit: Ryan Ruiz

Andrew Greaves and Melissa Grant are that couple. You know the one I’m talking about. The disgustingly cute couple you outwardly hate, but deep down make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside with hope that maybe, just maybe, happy and healthy relationships void of bothersome games are possible in college.
“Andrew is my equal,” Grant, 22 of Tempe, says. “I would not be with him if it were any other way. He was one of my best friends before our romantic relationship began and that built a foundation of respect. He knows when I need him to be there and does things for me in the same way I would and do for him.”

Before you throw up in your mouth a little bit, think about what exactly it is that Grant is saying. She’s letting you in on a little secret that most young adults too busy playing mind games with the opposite sex haven’t discovered yet – equality is the key to sustaining your very own disgustingly cute, but warm and fuzzy relationship.

Man/Woman = 1

Planned Parenthood, self-described as “the nation’s leading sexual and reproductive health care advocate and provider,” believes there to be six basic qualities to maintaining a happy and healthy relationship – respect, honesty, trust, good communication and most importantly fairness and equality.

“A healthy relationship is one in which partners treat each other fairly and as equals,” the organization says in its promotional material. “No one person controls the relationship. Both people need to feel that their needs are important. Both people need to give and take in the relationship. Both partners should share equally in decision making and be willing to make compromises.

Without fairness and equality, relationships can be hurt by anger. No one is always right – or always wrong. And one partner should not always be in control. In healthy relationships, neither partner is “in charge.” In healthy relationships, partners admit their mistakes and can expect fairness, forgiveness and the ability to make decisions for themselves.”

Greaves, 21, and Grant’s relationship is testimony to that, as their success is the result of practicing much of the above.

“Equality in a relationship feels so much better than a power struggle. It doesn’t make you feel like someone is trying to control your lifestyle,” Greaves said. “My girlfriend is one of the most intelligent people I know. I am 100 percent supportive of her pursuing an education and career. If she is able to make it to the top before I do then I want to know how and start from there. I want her to live her life to the fullest.

“We both work hard and are equal when it comes to paying for things as well as cooking and cleaning. My girlfriend is one of a kind. Sure, we don’t agree on a lot of things and we’re by no means perfect, but we’re very happy together because we respect each others’ opinions and what I am not strong in, she fills the void and it’s the same way around.”

Sharing the Pants

Traditionally, men have always worn the pants in the relationship. They called the shots, had the job, brought home the bacon, kicked their feet up while throwing back a few beers until wifey announced, “Dinner!”

That all changed when the second wave of feminist activity swept across the United States in the early 1960s. Aware of the sexist structure of power that stared them in the face each morning when they rolled over to gaze lovingly at their significant other in bed, women started campaigning against the cultural and political inequalities their country created and demanded change.

Almost half a century later, women have come a long way, baby, but so have a large portion of men.

While women are finally pursuing higher education, working outside the home and managing their own money, in other words providing for themselves, the men they love are stripping off society’s traditional stereotype one pant leg at a time and supporting their hardworking women by sharing the responsibilities that were once solely allocated to their female counterparts.

Like Greaves and Grant, our generation is slowly starting to catch on to the simple fact that figuratively, equality makes the relationship world go ’round, but they couldn’t have done it without their parents – the people who have paved the path by providing examples of gender equality in relationships.

Being raised by parents who entered adolescence at a time when the fight for women’s rights plastered the front pages of papers may be a large reason why more young men than ever before are treating the women they date as equals, especially young men who shared a close connection with their mother while growing up, according to a study at Ferrum College in Virginia conducted by researcher Sarah R. Roberts.

Roberts said of the study’s findings, “A man’s relationship with his mother is his first introduction to femininity, and where he gets many of his ideals,” – ideals to a woman raising a son in the 1980s when the women’s movement was picking up force, such as a world where a woman’s needs and wants were taken into account.

“I was raised around a strong, intelligent Puerto Rican mother who didn’t want a man to do everything for her. She wanted to be her own person as well as a wife and mother. That is something I respect about her and I hope to respect about my wife. She should have the same option to stay home and take care of the family or pursue a full-time career. I want her to be able to look at her life, like my mother did, and be happy with where she is at,” Greaves says.

Robert’s research also revealed that men who felt a special bond with their mothers during childhood are more likely to have partners who feel “understood” and men who felt understood by their mothers were described as “affectionate” by their partners. The study also showed that men who had a history of effectively communicating their feelings to their mothers have partners who are happier.

With Benefits

Despite what many young adults think, according to a recent study published in the online edition of the peer-reviewed journal Sex Roles by Laurie Rudman of Rutgers University, dating a woman who doesn’t just dig equality in a relationship, but demands it, promises a stronger romantic relationship.

In earlier research, Rudman found many college-age respondents fear the idea of dating a feminist because it conjures the image of “U-G-L-Y, when’s the last time you shaved your thighs” lesbians, but her recent study revealed that both men and women benefit from being in a relationship with a feminist partner.
“If you’re a woman paired with a male feminist you have a healthier relationship across the board,” Rudman says, “and men paired with female feminists have greater sexual satisfaction and greater relationship stability. Contrary to popular belief, feminism does not disrupt men’s pleasure in the bedroom.”

Boston-based sex therapist Gina Ogden, who surveyed 3,810 people for her book “The Heart and Soul of Sex” told the Chicago Tribune, “The cultural missionary position – man on top – isn’t conducive to romance. If a relationship is based on authoritarian control, keeping one person on top and the other underneath, it gets old pretty fast – for both partners, really. In an egalitarian relationship, there is more flow of give and take and that’s the romantic tension. That tension – sexual desire – is in that space between you where you’re able to flow back and forth.”

Chicago psychotherapist Sue Scheffler also explained to the Chicago Tribune, “No woman wants to be a slave, and I don’t think even a somewhat enlightened guy would want to be a meal ticket. There has to be some role of satisfaction, whatever you’ve elected to do, and you have to feel like your partner respects your choice.”

Man, Threatened?

Many men, though, feel their masculinity is threatened by a woman who is independent based off the traditional belief that the only place their partner belongs is at home, not school, much less work. This dates back to society’s stereotype that women belong barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen.

“I believe that since the beginning of time men have been taught that their role is to provide for their family. I believe that if a man is raised in a family such as this he may feel threatened if the need for them financially is not present,” Grant says.

Greaves adds, “Why men wouldn’t want their woman to be educated and successful baffles me. A man who feels threatened by a woman bettering herself is a fool. A dumb woman will get you nowhere in life besides broke and unhappy.”

What it all comes down to is in the coming years, more men may have to change as women become more independent.

Grant says: “I am thankful for his unfailing support. He inspires me to think more of myself and what I am capable of. He respects me as a woman and a friend and I am grateful I have found that with him.”

“I believe that we are the closest generation thus far to shedding ourselves of traditional male and female stereotypes,” Greaves adds. “There is always room for more change and that applies to the evolution of gender roles in relationships. I think that the coming generations will see equality more than ever.”

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