College Times

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Imaginary Givers
From the Tooth Fairy to Santa Claus, our parents decided long ago that the source of money and presents came from imaginary beings that could fly. Also, if we didn’t get anything that year, it was because “Santa” thought we were naughty, making the rotund saint the perfect fall guy.

Boogeymen
The closet monster, the toilet monsters, Freddy Krueger. Fueled by the movies we begged to watch, we would all eventually come face to face with our own worst nightmares whenever it was lights-out. Seriously, what kind of parent lets you watch “Hellraiser” when you’re 7?

Toy Commercials
Remember when you saw the commercial for that ultra awesome robot toy that could guard your house, scare your grandma and shoot at the dog. The real thing always ended up looking like the kind of nonsense you’d find in a Happy Meal. This was the first lesson on advertising.

Where Babies Come From
I know everyone was taught something different when it came time to have the talk about the birds and the bees – so I won’t generalize the myths that we all held onto. Though my favorite explanation is “Broken Condoms.”

Cooties pt. 1
Girls were icky – plain and simple. Plus, they didn’t play marbles, pogs or spit farther than two meters. Worse than that, it was common knowledge that hanging around girls too much turned you into a girl, and visa versa.

Cooties pt. 2
The origins of cooties really dates back to our own misunderstanding of the opposite sex. Something that actually gets worse as time goes on.

Death by Pop Rocks
And other popular myths. Consider it reverse Darwinism. The kids who believed in all these dangerous things that took the lives of so many children are probably better off (or extremely paranoid).

We are All Special
From the mother who coddled you to the father who believed you would be the next Heisman winner, parents were especially good at providing the necessary ammo to make us think we’re all the bees knees. Then you get out into the world and realize there are 5.9999999 billion people who are just as special as you.

Felt Puppets
Of all the things we believed, nothing had greater influence on our childhoods than Kermit and the Fraggles. Later years saw Barney and “Magellan’s Castle,” but the truth is, no matter what these puppets told us to do, we did it and we believed it. It was sort of like a weird kid cult on strings.

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