College Times

Issue date: 4/9/09 Section: Top 10s

I recently bought my cap and gown for my spring graduation from Arizona State University. Oh God, it's really happening.

The first thing I did when I got home from school was try on the outfit. It's atrocious. It has been four years since I last slipped on a cap and gown, and really, I didn't miss it.

Here's why I really dislike academic regalia:

10. They're made out of the world's cheapest fabric. You'd think after spending years of my life devoted to studying and thousands of dollars, I'd have the option of something a little more luxurious. And it was $40.

9. I have to wear this in front of President Barack Obama. Not that he'll be able to pick me out of a crowd of thousands to say "Well, look. That girl looks like an idiot, uh … in that outfit," but I still don't like the idea of it.

8. Someone once had the idea that when they graduated, they'd like to wear a cheap oversized jacket and a cardboard square as a hat. Any normal person would say that notion is insane. Now we call it tradition.

7. Let's all dress the same to remind us of our sheep-like qualities during the past four years! Fine, maybe I'm just bitter.

6. My head is too big to look normal in a graduation cap.

5. There's no way to make a cap and gown remotely sexy, especially when you're sweating balls at Sun Devil Stadium in May.

4. The gown makes a swishy sound like George's pants on that one episode of "Seinfeld."

3. The gown also makes me feel like I recently lost 300 pounds and haven't had the time to go buy a new muumuu.

2. Despite being reasonably well-dressed most of my college career, this is the last image most of my fellow graduates will have of me.

1. I'll be dressed a giant polyester Snuggie. It feels awful, but it also feels like freedom.

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