College Times

Issue date: 5/7/09 Section: Blogs

Starting next year, Craigslist's "missed connections" section will be the only place to purchase any sort of "hummer," and frankly, it's about time.

In a cost-cutting effort to get in line with Obama's proposed modifications to the fledgling American car industry, GM has decided to trim the fat and eliminate Pontiac, Saab, Saturn and, yes, Hummer brands
from its fleet of vehicles, and the decision couldn't have come soon enough.

It's not just the environmental ramifications of a vehicle that chugs gasoline like wine (14 miles-per-gallon for the newer, smaller 2009 H3) and sports a bulky body bolstered by an unnecessary mass of raw material (material that requires an astronomical amount of carbon-fueled energy to produce in the first place), facts that have been published to death and have very nearly become engrained in collective common knowledge.

And it's not just that GM is "playing ball" with Obama's master-plan to right the industry by cutting back on unnecessary spending that can be more easily re-allocated for the benefit of consumers and employees alike - knowing full-well that GM doesn't really have a choice because, to slightly modify an old adage, 'bailout money talks' - although it is at least a little encouraging.

No, I'm glad the Hummer is going by the wayside because it's ugly as sin.

Call me shallow when it comes to transportation - a "carcissist" if you will - but I'm leery of anyone who doesn't think the Hummer looks like a glorified food-processor on wheels.

In fact, I've never even ridden in a Hummer, for fear of projectile vomiting all over the cavernous interior and filling all 29 cup-holders to the brim with my shameful tears.

Perhaps if I had fulfilled my childhood dream of becoming GI Joe, or had a large number of customers who needed me to haul heavy payloads of industrial equipment and Big Gulps across great expanses of dangerous, steeply-inclined terrain, or was discovered by a wealthy, successful hip-hop producer who took me under his wing, launched me into the top-40 with a hastily-produced, Auto-tune heavy copycat track, and suggested that I needed a whip to bolster my non-existent street-cred, the Hummer would be my ride of choice.

For now, though, I'd prefer not to get to work in a vehicle that may or may not transform into Optimus Prime at any moment.

So bravo, GM, after 2009, it won't even be an option.

And as a bonus, I'll no longer have to worry about getting run over by any 30K millionaire douchebags driving suburban combat vehicles!

Oh, wait...

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