College Times

Issue date: 5/14/09 Section: Blogs

Media Credit: Olivier Douliery

I have a promise to make to you. No. Turn around. Ew. Not that guy. Yes, you, reader. Pay attention.

On May 13th I will be strutting across a stage at Sun Devil Stadium in a hot-as-balls polyester Snuggie and cardboard hat. I couldn't be happier to end my college career on such a note of dignity and high fashion.

That evening will mark the end of my journey as a college student (at least for now), and will lead to me being cut off from the free flow of money coming from my parents (ugh), but it will also mark another huge milestone in my life. The leader of the free world, President Barack Obama, will be speaking at my graduation.

And I'd like to think the doe-eyed president will be speaking directly toward me. I'd like to believe I'll be visible in the "C" section, which leads me back to this whole promise thing I was talking about.

As a journalist, I'm always looking for the next big scoop. I don't want to blow things out of proportion here, but I feel inclined to tell you that, if the opportunity arises, I will do what no reporter has yet to attempt.

I will check to see if Barack Obama is a robot.

I know what you're thinking. "He doesn't look like a robot. Even if he was, how could you tell? He'd be a machine manufactured by the federal government, which has an entire country of the world's most sophisticated scientists at its disposal." Blah, blah, blah.

I've heard it all before, but here's the catch. I watch a lot of "How It's Made" on the Discovery Channel, and I feel like I know enough about engineering to determine if our president is, indeed, a robot. Don't insult me.

If I get to shake hands with the president, I will check for warm skin. I realize it will be a warm 117 degrees on the football field that day, but if there's one thing you should know about robot skin is that it's constantly body temperature - just under 98.6 degrees at a sick-like 97.3.

Secondly, I will check the vitality of his robot arms. If I had to choose between peg and robot arms, I'm always going to choose robot arms. Knowing this, I consider myself one of the world's foremost experts on robot arm technologies. I will look for tiny sparks coming from underneath his graduation gown. Don't be fooled by his dazzling smile and hopeful eyes. Some people say Barack Obama is electric. I tend to agree, but only the most literal way.

In the year 2056, after Barack Obama, known in robot circles as "BC3O," effectively constrains every protester, I only ask this of you. I will not be spared in the robot uprising. I just ask that my legacy lives on in a Dan Brown novel and the cover depicts me falling from a flying helicopter with only an American flag to slow my fall.

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